This was originally meant to be an e-mail to a friend who said she'd like some advice on parenting. Wow. Really? Am I being asked to dispense some advice, rather than stepping on toes because I can't keep my mouth shut? Again: Wow. Thanks.

So, my friend who's not named Penelope, this is largely for you. Here are some of my thoughts on attachment, nappies, baby carriers, feeding, mama monopoly, clothes, sleep ... and whatever else may fall into my head before I decide to stop thinking and start posting.

It takes a village to raise a child

If I should identify one single factor that I feel is making family life unnecessary hard, it is how closed our families are today. Raising children is largely seen as a matter for the parents only. I'm not saying that everything was better in the past. Still, I do believe that the extended families that we see in several parts of the world, and that was the rule even in our cultures up to not all that long ago, have very strong benefits for children and parents both. To quote Alfie Kohn: "Raising kids isn't for wimps." To pull through, we need to share our joys, our frustrations and our responsibilities with others. Sometimes, all I need to get a through a difficult situation is five minutes on the phone with a friend who also has children and know how exasperated we sometimes get. Letting the steam out over a cup of tea, a phone call or a little rant on a web board can help me get it out of the system and making me ready to remember that this too shall pass. And sometimes, I'm so chuffed over a little one's cute comments that I'm just bursting to share. Of course I share both the ups and the downs with my partner, but sometimes a little mother-to-mother chat is just what the doctor ordered.

Use internet with your brain turned on. On their best, the web boards where mothers hang out can create a supportive atmosphere that can be a part of your village. On their worst, they are snarky mothering competitions creating an incessant pressure to do everything flippin' perfect. I've found that the places where a fair share of crunchy granola mamas hang tends to suit me best. While I'm merely slightly semi-crunchy myself (more a chocolate bar with almonds and raisins than a Crunchie), I've co-slept, breastfed for rather a while and been carrying my babies rather a lot. These are decisions I cannot be bothered to keep defending, so I've sought out haunts where those things are acceptable to most. I also prefer hangouts where the average member is prone to good spelling. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Tara Maclay I tend to get frustrated by repeated bouts of bad spelling.

I'm sure having more adults around is good for the children as well. It gives them more role models, other glasses to see the world through. Sure, they will meet such people through childcare and school, but I think adding more adults that we, the parents, know and respect to the mix on a frequent basis gives our children something very healthy. Aunts, uncles, grandparents and family friends can take on a much more personal role in a child's life if they are able to take part in the child's everyday life from time to time. The trust gained from this can be very good to have when a chubby baby suddenly has stretched into adolescence. Even if we, the parents, are at the centre of their world just now, there are days ahead when a talk in confidence with an adult who is not one of the parents can do our children a world of good.

Healthy attachment

When my eldest was born, I did not know that there was something called "Attachment parenting", or AP. I noticed, though, that a lot of what seemed right for our child was against the book. That is, against the wee, heavily sponsored paperback I got at the maternity ward before leaving the hospital. Co-sleeping was at that point heavily advised against due to the correlation between co-sleeping and SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). Now, SIDS is something most modern parents more or less fear. Of course we do - losing a child must be an absolute nightmare. It soon became clear, though, that our little, newborn boy had such a strong need to feel close to us that we had the choice between co-sleeping or no sleeping. And in the long run, no sleeping pretty much sucks. So we ended up as co-sleepers, without really knowing that there was such a word. During the day time, I spent a lot of time carrying him or keeping him close to me in his rocking chair. In the evenings, he often fell asleep between us in the corner of our couch. Those nights we'd just keep him with us until we were headed for bed ourselves. He wasn't a very fussy baby, but he was a baby with a strong need to be close to us for a great deal of the day. That was right for him, and I believe that we have made life easier for him and for us by responding to his needs.

There is no such thing as spoiling an infant by giving too much TLC. Don't ever let anyone talk you out of keeping your baby close to you when you want to. Cuddle. Carry. Breastfeed if you can. Sleep in the same room, or in the same bed. There is no such thing as spoiling an infant by giving too much TLC, so don't be afraid that responding to your baby's needs will create a clingy, or needy child. Mind you, I'm not guaranteeing that you won't feel like your child is clingy and needy at times, actually I'll guarantee that you WILL feel like that every now and again, sometimes for longer than you think you can bear, but it will not be the closeness to you that creates it. There is no such thing as spoiling an infant by giving too much TLC.

I'm not into parenting by labels. In my day to day life I don't think: «What's the AP thing to do?» I do what I feel is right, supporting that feel by literature and discussions whith others when I realise that my gut feeling is inadequate. I did invent my own label on a lark when my eldest was just a few months – natural mumkidship – but that probably makes more sense to my fellow horsey mothers than to anyone else.

Baby carriers

To me, having some decent baby carriers has been the be-all and end-all of my transition from happy-go-lucky horsey gal to happy-go-lucky horsey mama. I love being able to choose the stairs rather than the elevator when I'm shopping, to go for a walk on a forest path, not having to wait for the special luggage to show up on the conveyor belt when we're travelling, being able to get on and off a train without help … I love getting around without a pram, plain and simply. Anyone who's ever walked up a steep Edinburgh close can see that while baby buggies are an excellent invention, they do have their limitations.

A comfortable baby carrier makes multitasking easier. I can't even begin to count the times I've made supper, done the dishes, fetched the mail, gone for a walk, surfed the web or eaten a meal with a baby in a sling. I love not being forced to choose between responding to a child's need for me and my own need to do something else. Once, someone asked me if I didn't feel tied down by having my baby on me so much of the time. It's been quite the opposite: My baby carriers has allowed me to feel me, feel free. 



Clothes

Don't buy too many tiny clothes. You can not imagine how fast they outgrow them. Also, you will not know what you like and find practical before you've tried this parenting stuff. A few hints on the way to the shops, though: Washability and ease of use. If a garment isn't washable and easy to get on and off, you won't use it.

Feeding

You know, there's SO much that can be said about breast and bottle that I think I'll keep this really, really short: If you can breastfeed, I'd advice you to give it a try. It's so much more practical than bottle feeding. If you want me to write at length about the ups and downs of breastfeeding for more months in a row than you can probably imagine just now, let me know. Ok?

Nappies

We started using cloth nappies on our eldest when he was nine months old, and never really looked back. For us, cloth nappies was a reliable, practical alternative to getting a bigger rubbish bin. I never found the work involved with washing and hanging to dry any more or less of a hassle than getting disposable nappies into and out of the house. Besides, cloth nappies are nicer, cuter and come in funky colours. If someone out there wants a more detailed post on how to succeed with cloth, let me know. I'll be happy to write down what I've figured out if it is of use to anyone.

 


Good luck. It'll be the most challenging, most exasperating, most fascinating task you've ever taken on.

Oh. Exasperation. Well. I'll have to come back to that. I promise I will, because at some point I can promise you that you will feel more desperate than you've ever done before in your life. We all do. But you'll be fine, I promise.

 In the September issue of US Vogue, there is a feature on Gwyneth Paltrow and her upcoming cookbook. Now, I’m neither a foodie nor a particularly avid fan of Ms Paltrow, but when I treat myself to a magazine I tend to read most of it no matter the topic. As long as the writer is a good wordsmith, I’ll read just about anything.

Suddenly, therefore, I found myself face-to-face with an extremely polished Gwyneth in an extremely polished kitchen with the slightest hints of family life strewn around in a fake-messed up fashion.  The text on the picture read “Top Mom”.  Is this, then, what a mama should aspire to in the A/W of 2010? If that is so, please count me out.  My life is strewn with sticky fingerprints, knife marks in the kitchen table, pastel chalk drawings on the door (of the unwanted kind) and practical clothes. I am un-bloody-believably messy, and have a temper to match the red hair I was not born with but still love to have.  I can cook decently on a need-to-do basis, and sew an acceptable children’s garment when I want to, but topmomship is miles away from what I feel is attainable. Stretching after the polishedness of a smiling Gwyneth doesn’t as much inspire me as it does intimidate me.

Tomorrow, I’ll wear my Batman top with my favourite pair of little brother jeans (y’know, like boyfriend jeans only it’s my not-so-little brother who’s handed them down) and see the look in my five-year-old’s eyes. I may not be a Top Mom™, but I can be quite the cool mama. 

Stort sett vil vi heller tenke på livet enn på døden, særlig på den brå, uventa døden. Brå død er noe som rammer andre, noe vi ser i overskriftene når vi åpner nettavisene, noe vi hører om. Når brå død rammer ubehagelig nær oss legger vi armene om våre kjære og priser oss lykkelige for at det ikke var oss, ikke denne gangen heller.


Likevel vil jeg oppfordre dere til å gi nettopp den brå, uventa døden noen tanker - tilstrekkelig mange tanker til å ta stilling til spørsmålet om organdonasjon. Hvis døden skulle ramme nettopp deg i morgen, neste uke eller om tre måndeder, hva ønsker du at dine pårørende skal svare hvis de blir spurt om dine organer kan doneres til andre? En donor kan redde flere liv. Vi har alle syv organer å gi bort; hjerte, to lunger, to nyrer, lever og bukspyttkjertel. Dette er et spørsmål det er viktig å ta stilling til mens vi enda lever i vår normale, friske hverdag. Tenk over det. Snakk med dine kjære om det.

Kanskje er det nettopp du som får spørsmålet, en dag der din verden er i ferd med å rase sammen. Kanskje er det nettopp ditt "ja" som kan la et annet menneske bygge opp igjen sin verden. 

 Yeah. That's me. I can see it in the eyes of my five-year-old every time I wear my new "Batman" t-shirt. 

Take this waltz, take this waltz It's yours now. It's all that there is

Kjære K.  Kjære sterke, vakre, rakrygga, utholdende, ventende, rasende, elskende, levende K. Lenge før jul begynte jeg å sette sammen noen tekster og bilder med deg i tankene, uten noe annet formål enn et ønske om å underholde deg, gi deg noe artig å se på når timene blir lange. Jeg  gikk friskt i gang, og skulle lage mange, mange, men som så ofte før var ambisjonene og inspirasjonen noe større enn gjennomføringsevnen. Kanskje blir det flere en dag, enn så lenge ligger det jeg har her. Hold ut. Du er min superhelt. 

( Read more... )

Dette bildet har ligget på pc-en min siden onsdag. Jeg skulle så gjerne funnet noe velformulert og rørende til å skrive som bildetekst til disse små glimtene fra en helt ordinær Oslomorgen. Men jeg finner ikke ordene. Alt jeg egentlig vil si er: Ta stilling til organdonasjon. Snakk med de du elsker, de som elsker deg. Vi vet aldri hvem som plutselig dør - vår tragedie kan bli noen andres mirakel.

the problem
with wearing my heart on my sleeve
my shirts get terribly messy